Downcline

Last week, the FDIC announced its list of troubled U.S. banks was up 47% to 252. So, you may be thinking that it’s time to move your money into the First National Bank of Maxwell House (with branches located conveniently in your sock drawer and under the compost pile in the backyard).

As we are only amateur downcline observers, not economics experts, we cannot tell you when the time for a bank run is right for you. But we can advise you that the hysteria of a financial panic is no excuse for poor planning. With a little forethought, the likelihood of enjoying your bank run experience can be greatly improved.

Wear a good pair of shoes. Ironically, participating in a bank run involves little or no actual running, so you won’t need running shoes. You’ll need shoes that are good for standing around. Bringing a folding beach chair will help you take a load off your feet. Bringing a recliner may be considered smug.

Think about practical matters. A really good bank run will involve a lot of people, which means you’ll be there a while. At some point, you’ll be hungry, thirsty and have to go to the bathroom. Bring some water and a some snacks. Be sure to bring extras to share with people around you.

If possible, find a branch of your bank with a fast food joint nearby where you can use the bathroom. If you just decide to use a diaper, please wear dark pants.

Make friends in line. If you are at a loss for breaking the ice, remember the universal conversation-makers — weather, smoking and pets. But don’t try to force conversation on people who clearly don’t want to talk. Common signals that someone isn’t up for chatting are crossed arms, headphones or an Oakland Raiders jersey.

Make sure you have your paperwork filled out. Show some courtesy to the depositors behind you. Don’t spend five hours standing around doing nothing and then wait until you get to the teller window to start writing your withdrawal slip. Doing this will result in you having to buy burritos for everyone in line, according to FDIC rules.

Bring a good attitude. Tensions at a bank run can be high without you adding fuel to the fire. Making the situation more tense with rabble-rousing or grousing will not get you your money any faster.

But don’t be a Pollyanna, either. Asking everyone to hold hands and sing “The Greatest Love of All” will just annoy your fellow depositors  and may be considered disorderly conduct in some jurisdictions.

We suggest a simple attitude of “esprit de corps” as the French call it. In other words, you’re all in this together, make the most of it. As F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “Learn young about hard work and manners - and you’ll be through the whole dirty mess and nicely dead again before you know it.”

Use the extra time to your advantage. Nobody ever has enough free time, but now you’ve got a bunch of it. Catch up on some reading. Possible choices for reading material are The Grapes of Wrath, 1984 or Lord of the Flies. Also consider reading a copy of the Wall Street Journal and muttering, sobbing or snickering quietly.

Work on a cockamamie story. News people cannot resist a good a bank run. Lying to reporters about your phony tale of woe is fun shenanigans that will help to keep you entertained as you stand on line.

Here is a sob story formula that is a sure-fire to get you on the news. We’ve included some sample content to plug in, but feel free to make up your own list of ideas. If you are lucky enough to be interviewed multiple times, be sure to change your story.

“I am [EVERYMAN OCCUPATION]. I used to have [A NICE THING], but then [BAD TWIST OF FATE] happened. I [THING THAT SHOWS YOU AREN'T LAZY] to try to get by, but I need this money for [EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCE]. But I’ll manage [SIMPLE EXPRESSION OF RESOLVE].”

EVERYMAN OCCUPATION: a construction worker, a schoolteacher, a nurse, a truck driver, a mechanic

A NICE THING: a modest home, a good job, a happy family, my own business

BAD TWIST OF FATE: I threw out my back, I got laid off, my job got sent overseas, my spouse took my car and ran off with my boss

THING THAT SHOWS YOU AREN’T LAZY: am going back to school to learn a new trade, have been selling things on ebay, have been selling my blood, have been selling my blood on ebay

EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCE: my child’s school trip to Washington DC, my balloon mortgage payment, my pet’s insulin

SIMPLE EXPRESSION OF RESOLVE: God willing, because I believe in the spirit of the American people, because of the comfort and insight of websites like downcline.com

Most of all, enjoy the moment. The chance to participate in a bank run comes only once in a lifetime, if you’re lucky. Take in all the sights and sounds of the experience. This can be a story to bore your grandchildren with over a bowl of shoe sole soup fifty years from now.